Endless battle…

I, like many others, deal with depression, anxiety, insecurities and a plethora of other negative thoughts and emotions. However, I am not all negative. I love to see the value and beauty of all around me and in what the world has to offer. I seek to combat the darkness by seeking the light. We often right about our battles and how we feel when we are down but what about the ups. Sometimes when we are down we have a minor wall to jump over or a window we must find a way to open or break our way through. Then there are the taller walls we build that we strive to find our way around. Sometimes it is a dark room we must blindly feel our way out of. No matter how deep our sorrows are and how intense our obstacles are to free ourselves, we push through. Day in and day out this is our constant battle. Those are the moments we need to push to the forefront of our minds when we feel lost and can’t see our way out. We need to celebrate every one of our achievements not solely drown in our pool of emotional agony. We are good and we deserve to revel in our light. I can see yours, can you see mine?

Never stop…

I have never hidden the fact that I deal heavily with my past. I have heard all the encouraging words of, “Let it go or it will consume you; or, If you live in the past you can’t enjoy the present”. I do know and understand that they all mean well but to have dealt with this yourself is to know that it is sometimes uncontrollable. It is a defense mechanism alerting us that things don’t seem right and to be careful. I think the best thing you can do for anyone who suffers from trauma is listen, have patience, be open and honest, have compassion and allow them to work through it. We don’t always need to be saved and it is us that have to find our way back. I have four wonderful children that know when to step aside and let mommy breathe. I thank God for his gift of these beautiful beings. They are miraculous and priceless. Then if God had not blessed me enough with my kids, he gave me not one but two men who love me and inspire me to want to stay in the fight. I have my husband and I have my Master. I wish everyone could have the type of support I have but I know how lucky I am too. If you suffer as I do, know you are not alone. I am there with you and you can come out of it. Never stop fighting and make every day count….

Pathway to you…

What happens when the path you are on is not the one your loved one is on? Can love form a secret path keeping you connected? Maybe like Dorothy, we need a yellow brick road that leads us to them. Souls can bound themselves but what of the flesh? What happens when you need to feel what can’t be felt? What happens when you desire to surrender when there is no captor? All things are possible but it must have a connection. What I mean is if only one person is trying it will not work. But on the other side of that, is the beauty that comes when both people have a will and want of the other each creating a point of connection. This way there is always a path to connected with the other. In this life we all need these connections and seek them in many forms. Family, friends and lovers can all provide connections that help us to feel we are never alone. They are only a path a way. You have a sense of security in knowing you can find your yellow brick road that leads to the person on the other end. I do struggle to make connections. I fear leaving myself vulnerable and choose to not create so many but the ones I do have are my paths of light and gold. They shine bright and help me find my way through the darkness.

Meeting Master James…

One day I awoke to find I felt empty and unsure of who I was. It was as if a light turned off inside me and I felt very dark. I do believe there was a storm within me threating to blow out my light for years but I found ways to block it by building false walls. The whirlwind within me was the submissive me wanting out. Wanting to not remain hidden but I did not know this. I only knew I was not happy and things felt fake to me. I walked the earth doing what was expected of me but not feeling fulfilled. Then one day I read a book that struck a match within me trying to reignite my light. I felt moved and more alive. The book, though fiction, felt more real than my real life. I began to do some research and came upon a site. The SafeworD/s Club. It took me a couple of days to register as I was very hesitant. This is where my life changed and all for the better. I first met Missy one of the owners and then I get a welcome message. A Hi and a short description of the person who said Hi and the site. It was, who I know now as, Master James.

He asked me questions and then we parted ways thinking we might never chat again. But I asked a question that brought him back to me, as he responded to it. Again, we chatted for a bit and parted ways. A couple of days later he checked in with me and we just felt comfortable with one another. We shared so much about our lives and our families. It was as if we had been friends for years and not days. Master James helped me understand things I had not. Helped me to feel comfortable in asking questions and chatting more. I was very shy at the time and he would encourage me to join chats and message others to learn more. It was in messaging others that led me to a mistake that in turn led me to my happiness. I chose another Dom to become my Dominant. In doing so, Master James realized he felt something for me and wanted me for himself. Things with the other Dom never really got off and we were ill matched. When it ended, I accepted a contract with Master James. I, at the time, thought it would be a short term contract but it has now been over a year and I pray we can continue for a long time to come.

I think it is when we are not looking that we find the greatest of matches. It wasn’t forced but grew from an unexpected friendship. A darkness led to a book, which led to a site, which led to a friendship, which led to me finding my Master. I am grateful to The SafeworD/s Club and to all the members within it. We are a small but close-knit community. We promote respect and acceptance. Our chats are a safe place to ask questions and hear experiences from other members. We are not there to say what is the right way to be but to each share our way of being. This is where my story began and I was able to find my true self. It is a place where I feel most alive and I am so very thankful for it all…

Finding My Happy…

Happiness. Do I want someone to be my happiness? Do I want them to bring happiness to my life? Or do I want someone who can show me the value of my own happiness and how to seek it with or without them? I think the third is the most valuable of the three but I must say I found someone that has given me or shown me all three. Isn’t amazing when someone walks into your life that gives you everything willingly without you needing to beg to be seen. I wanted nothing more to do with relationships that involved emotions. I was seeking to have my needs met and nothing more. What was I thinking? I will say to those of you feeling lost and a sense of hopelessness as I did, don’t seek to be cherished and love. Let it happen when it happens. Let it find you. Let it inspire you and bring you to life. Don’t force yourself to love someone unworthy of you and never beg anyone to accept you.

To my Master James:

You are my inspiration, my hope, my will, my encouragement, my protector, my punisher, my friend, my lover, my light, my blessing, my owner and my love. My list could go on forever. What you are not is my destruction or destroyer. You have shown me the beauty the world has to offer. You have the ability to bring me out of my darkness and into the light of your embrace and love.

To my Master…

I am a Submissive to a wonderful Master, but what makes me Submissive? When such topics as Dominants and Submissives are discussed amongst my vanilla friends, it seems the consensus is that a Submissive is weak and doesn’t have a mind of their own. I don’t understand this. I am a very strong willed person with a mind of my own. I love the organization and power of some parts of my life but I also love the feel of releasing such power. To have someone control what it is I can do or how I should do it. For me, I find comfort in pleasing my Master and in not having to make every detailed decision in these moments. I think it takes a stronger person to let go and trust in another to choose for them and to trust that they will be kept safe. We do place ourselves in dangerous situations at times, but when cared for by a great Dominant, we are always truly safe. We have the power to pause or stop play. So are we weak? No, we are still very much powerful and in charge in many ways. We hand over control to our Dominants knowing that at any time we can say our safe word and take back part or most of it. I only wish that I could feel the embrace of my Master after play or punishments and the kind words I know he would speak. My Master doesn’t live near me and I am not sure we will ever meet in person but I can tell you that he is always with me. I carry him everywhere I go and I strive to make him proud of me. I am lucky to have the Master I have and I will cherish all our days together. He doesn’t see me as weak and he tells me I carry all the Aces. What he means is that I give myself and can stop things at any time. He cares for me in ways I never thought I needed to be cared for. He has given me more than I ever thought to have and has shown me that I have more value than I ever saw in myself. To my Master: I am yours…xx

Our Pleasurable Tryst…

I’ve waited for this day for so long. I have had thoughts and dreams of how it would come to pass. My heart is racing and my breathing has quickened. I dare not move from where my Master told me to stand. I hear the door open, again I dare not move, and hear his steps as they come closer towards me. He places his hands on my shoulders and slowly lowers the straps of my dress pulling them down towards my waist. There he wraps his hands about my waist and pulls my body back towards his. I can feel his body tense as he holds me tightly. The feel of his cock upon my ass has me groaning to have him take me now. He won’t. That is not what tonight is about. He brushes my hair away from my shoulder and takes a bite. It is the greatest sensation of pain and pleasure. I feel like I could burst from the heat of my body. I feel him release his hands only to have him tug at my dress and pull it completely down. Nothing is left but my exposed body. No underwear and no shoes. Those were my Master’s instructions.

Master steps away from me once again and I hear him searching for something from the desk in the corner of the room. Then I hear it. The sound that always brings a smile to my face and trepidation to my skin. It is the sound of my lead, which I know is attached to my collar. I hear him stepping forward and I immediately extend my hands out palms facing up. He lays the lead on my hands as he lifts the collar to place around my neck. I don’t dare let my lead slip from my hand or it will cost me a slash upon my breast with it. I can feel the collar around my neck snug and tightly secured. Master walks in front of me and takes the lead from my hands and begins to walk me out of the room. I have no clue why we are leaving the room. There is everything we could possibly use here. A desk, chair, sofa and toys.

We step out of the room and he walks me towards the living room where I can now hear whispers. As we turn the corner I can see where the whispers are coming from. There are four men sitting, drinking and talking. Master walks me towards the wall where there is a metal holder in place and he hooks the end of my lead to it. I stand there facing the wall knowing my back and ass are exposed to the viewing of my Master and these men. Before I can fully grasp what is happening, I feel the smack of a hand on my ass and the spread of heat. I am not even fully aware if it was my Master or another until I hear my Master tell me to count and thank him for the spanking. I say, “Thank you Master. That is one, Sir.” He then says to keep counting. I continue, “Two Sir, three Sir, four Sir” and I continue to count to twenty. My Master stops and I can feel the warmth spread about my entire ass. My Master begins to gently caress my back from shoulder down towards my ass where I can feel the sting, every time he touches me. Then it all stops and I feel him touching me no longer though I know he is standing very close behind me. I can feel his presence, his stare and I can hear his breathing, as it is now less controlled. He steps back away from me and I can hear the sound of him picking something up. I hear his steps approaching ever closer to me until he reaches my side and whispers, “You are loved and you are mine. Count for me my Sub.” Then he is behind me again, but before I know what I am about to count for, I feel it. The whoosh and sting of a whip across my back. “One Sir, two Sir, three Sir…” I continue to count as I feel the whip slash across my back, ass and thighs. Master keeps going until I reach the count of thirty and I know what I must say. “Thank you Master.” He steps forward and says, “Good girl.”

Master steps away once more and my mind is everywhere. My body is sore and tender and I can hear the sound of zippers, whispers, clothing shuffling and heavy breathing. He returns to rub a soothing ointment on me while telling me how well I have done and how proud he is of me. Then he unhooks my lead and leads me to a coffee table where the men are. I can see they are all naked just like my Master now is. He has me stop at one end of the table while he walks to the other tugging at the lead. I fully understand what my Master wants. I lean forward and place my hands flat upon the table looking at him as he nods to assure me I have done precisely as he has wanted. I stay there, I dare not move an inch, as he releases the lead and walks back around to my side of the table. There he places one hand on my waist and with the other he begins to rub my clit and enter me with his finger making me wet and getting me ready for him. I can see the men standing around me begin to stroke their cocks and I can feel my body coming to life. My breathing has quickened and I shift my eyes from one man to the next taking it all in. I am so sexually aroused that I have forgotten about the pain and was ready for my Master to offer me my reward. My reward would be his hard cock roughly pounding into me. I climax from Master fingering me while watching these men stroking themselves. I now feel Master’s other hand on my waist and I know he is ready to take me. He enters in one swift hard thrust and doesn’t stop. I am wet and wanting. I love the feel of every thrust inside me, the feel of my body being hit and thrown forward then pulled back to him again and again. The men begin to tug harder and I know they are getting close. I want them to cum while viewing Master and I. Then, it happens. First, one of the men shoots his load on the side of my face and shoulder. I moan at the feel of the warm cum as it lands on my skin. It doesn’t take long for the second to release upon my back and again I moan tensing with excitement, which causes my clit to tighten on Master’s cock. Now the third man is so close, I can sense it and I am ready. He grunts loudly as he shoots his cum on my breast as they sway from the thrust of my Master. I know my Master enjoys that as he begins to slam harder and more erratically into me. The last man moves to stand right in front of me and I look at his cock then up to his face. He is waiting for permission and I turn my head back towards my Master. Master nods at me and I turn back to nod my approval to the man in front of me. He looks pleased as his cum begins to spurt out in long warm strings all over my face. And it is at this moment I begin to convulse, tightening and messaging my Master’s cock causing him to cum inside me.

The men begin to gather their clothing while my Master stands me straight and removes my collar. The men begin to leave while I am led to the bathroom where my Master runs a warm shower for us. He washes me ever so gently making sure not to further injure my back. He only wants to assure me he is there, I am cared for, I have made him proud, I am owned and I am loved. I proudly allow him to care for me then it is my turn. I take the sponge and begin to care for my Master. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want him to know I, too, am there, will care for him, am proud to be owned by him and I love him…

Beautifully Damaged…

Some of us come with our own wrecking ball. We will begin to construct a life that seems impossible to have then we activate our personal wrecking ball. I don’t think we are all born with one built in; it is given to us by all the damage caused by others. I think it manifests from all the wreckage left behind from past hurt and disappointments. Many of us suffer from our past and we desperately try to not look back. Some of us are more successful than others. Me, I refuse to let it go. I feel that, one, I deserve the punishment for not finding a way out and, two, it serves to protect me now. Or so I tell myself that. I use it and replay it so I don’t find myself repeating the same choices. But doing this keeps me constantly in the past and struggling to enjoy the good in my life.

What I will say is it is important to spread compassion and love. What I do have is someone who reminds me of my worth. Yet, it also helps me see it is all me and not him. Like I might say he is my happiness but that would not be true or healthy. What does he do for me? He helps me to feel my happiness. To see that I am wonderful and special. Maybe I am not special to every single person in the entire world but I do have people in my life who love me. I don’t have to be perfect for them nor lie about how I am feeling. I don’t have to hide or feel ashamed all the time. We are all beautiful and deserve to be happy. We can find joy in every single day. Look around you and just take in all the life around you and how lovely nature is. We are a part of something greater than any of us can ever fully understand. I matter and you matter because we are here and every soul deserves to dance, laugh and love…

Desperately carrying on…

Your eyes can cry out a river of tears. Your heart can bleed out buckets of blood. Your Soul can fall into the depths of your darkness. Yet, you must carry on. Does anyone else ever feel like life plays with your hopes and happiness? All can be going so well but then a few words or an action alter everything you thought you once had. Yet, you must carry on. If we live coldly and without taking any chances we never learn what could be. When we put ourselves out there we experience these highs of new friendships or loves but we also experience loss. Yet, you must carry on. Ever feel like the world changed in every way? Smells, colors, textures and sounds were different and more vibrant. Radiating into your body and piercing your soul. Then one day, it is like a truck comes crashing into you taking away that perception of the world. Yet, you must carry on. I believe we all have these experiences and I hope you will be the guiding light for at least one person in your lifetime. Spread smiles not negativity. Spread compassion not discontent. Spread love not hate. Because in the end, we must all carry on…

Through Your Eyes

I have been your Submissive for a year now and I love who I am becoming with you. My eyes couldn’t see the Submissive woman you see. I still struggle with it but there are these moments where I can see her through your eyes. She is vibrant, elegant, perfectly imperfect, selfless and beautiful. She would kneel at her Master’s feet without shame or guilt, as to what the world would have to say. Through your eyes is how I want to see myself and accept myself. Through your discipline and guidance I have learned to submit all that I am to you and you alone. This doesn’t make me weak but strong and divine. You have shown me to see the world through your eyes and it is filled with colors of the rainbow. There is no right or wrong as to how a D/s dynamic should work, but in finding the one that works best for you. I am so fortunate as to have found a Master that is kind, gentle and patient, all while being assertive, structured and firm. You provide all that I need with your compassion, understanding and love of me. I have submitted to you and give you every bit of me. I am honored and proud to say that I am the Submissive of my Master James…