So on tellmeabout.site, Missy has created a new forum to reflect on our submission and D/s dynamic. I think this is a great platform to look into ourselves and see what we find. There may be things we like and others we don’t and decide we want to improve on or change. This is in no way a writing of how things should be done but a diary of my life and my submission.
The first prompt is Submissive Feelings: When did you first realize you had submissive feelings and how far have you embraced those feelings?
I would say for me there are two distinct parts to these questions. The first part I would describe more as when I opened my eyes to things that made me think differently than I normally would, rather than when I realized I had submissive feelings and/or embraced them. It was a time in my life where I awoke and wanted out from where I kept my true nature hidden.
I was reading a book set in the late 1800s but with a bit of kink to it. There were ties and spankings given to a bride that would not follow instructions. There was a scene where figging was introduced and I had a strange yet strong desire to be in her position. To have a man dominate me and control me. To have him force me to be good or pay for my disobedience in which ever manner he deemed fit. Yet, I did not understand what I was saying or thinking. I didn’t understand anything because, while I thought those things, there was a piece of me that questioned it. Could I, and would I, really allow someone to control me and enjoy it?
I went on to read more and more books that were similar in nature but I would fight the idea that this was for me and just enjoy the read. When I read other books, I found I thought to buy another book that followed along the ones that made me think of a different kind of life. Was it possible to have it and was it real? This was when I started to Google topics and found thesafewordsclub.com.
I would say that the first time I realized I had submissive feeling was after meeting the man who would later become Master James to me. We spent hours talking about the lifestyle and about his dynamic with his wife. I started to take direction from him and wanted to learn more and more. I would be left wanting to be instructed and to be controlled. I came to see that I had submissive tendencies my entire life but didn’t know it. I always struggled to say no or felt horrible if I wasn’t able to do something for someone. I always wanted to do for those I cared for and make them happy. Though what I was missing is the praise and sense of pride one gets from their Dom or feels within their dynamic. Master James and other members from the site helped me to realize what submission was and to realize my submissive feelings.
Now, embracing my submissive feelings took so much longer. I accepted them willingly but struggled to fully embrace them. Let me explain this for you, as you may think that accept and embrace are one in the same. They may be for you but not so for me. I accepted them and took the steps to enter into the lifestyle and live it. Master James tried to help me with my husband but he was simply not into the lifestyle himself. This placed me in a position of knowing who I was and accepting it but feeling like I could never fully have it. Then, my husband and I agreed I should seek a Dominant to introduce me to the lifestyle. Master James and I had became great friends and we would talk and I would play for him by following his directions as to what he wanted me to do. Again accepting but not embracing as I was not his and he had a wife, who is his submissive. He was not seeking another submissive but merely helping me through my journey of self discovery.
After a couple of months, I had made a poor decision that ended up being an eye opener for Master James. I found another man to be my Dominant but it didn’t work as we weren’t compatible. It was during this time that Master James realized he had feelings for me and didn’t like the idea of me belonging to someone else. He asked me to look at a contract and if we could agree if I would accept it. I filled out my portion and he did his. We looked at it and agreed to start our LD D/s dynamic. It was through all the ways Master James showed patience, compassion, understanding and dominated me that I finally came to embrace my submissive side and found that I no longer wanted her to go back into hiding.
I still have much to learn but realizing my submissive side and embracing it was the first step to finally feeling alive and fulfilled. I am lighter and happier. I find I want to read more and discover more about D/s. I want to be a good girl for Master James and a good submissive to him. I want to serve him and please him in all matters.