“I want to use you, soon.” “Have your chrome dildo, vibrating dildo, new nipple clamps and a plug.” Those were the words sent to me by my Master James. I could feel my heart skip a beat then rapidly begin to pump. My reply was a simple one of, “How soon?” His reply was instant, “Ten minutes.” I knew he wanted to allow enough time to get the items requested and undress. He didn’t need me to dress for him, fix my hair or do my makeup. He wanted me as I was in that moment and he would have me just so.
It was these moments or even just the thought of these moments that once sent me over the edge. I would begin to tremble, cry and become filled with trepidation. I have a fear of anything that involves seeing my reflection. Mirrors, camera, camcorders, windows or anything else reflective. My Master has never exerted his authority in a manner which left me feeling insecurely vulnerable. He has always been reassuring in the use of my safeword and that he would respect me always. When I could not cam he never waivered in his want of me. He showed me in every way possible that it was me he wanted. It was my mind, my obedience, my heart and my submission that were his most prized possessions.
Things began to change for me when one day I decided to just remove my clothing and put on a robe. I stood in front of my laptop, turned on the camera and pressed record. I stood there and removed the robe then preceded to slowly turn around so he could see all of me. I ended the recording and emailed it to him before I could think too hard on it. The next morning after he had seen it, he messaged me and was so thankful for the trust I had given him and courage I had shown. From there we planned a video call date and now I have done this a few times. With each video call I can see myself not thinking of my image but of my Master’s pleasure. Camming is still not easy for me but what we share makes it plausible. When our call ends I will think, “How could you have done that?” My response to myself is, “Because my Master’s pleasure is my pleasure.”
Happiness is what I seek in life. I don’t need many things in life but I do want to feel happy and spread happiness. Why is that? I feel it is to combat the darkness that dwells within me. It helps me keep it at bay. What do I mean by being happy? I just want to go about days feeling light and to know that I will be okay. There are days where I feel trapped and like the darkness will consume me. Then there are days where I am angry that the darkness doesn’t consume me. Those are the days when I feel tired of fighting and begin to wonder if it is worth it to keep pushing. The truth is, it is. I have my family and my Master. They are the ones that keep me going. I think I should add myself to the list as I do fight for myself too. I have seen enough bad to understand the good.
Darkness likes to take me but I can say that I love seeking new ways of finding my light and pushing through each day. I understand that not all my days will be easy nor shine as bright as the sun but I am happy to know I was able to push through. We all have different reasons as to why we struggle and none of us has it easier than the other. I think we all do our best to cope with what plagues us and each day we awaken is another chance to conquer our demons.
Anyway this is just me letting out a few thoughts and if you find yourself reading this and you are dealing with your own struggles, know that you are not alone. We can fight our separate battles together.
How do you want your submission to grow over the course of this year?
This is the second installment that Missy has created for us submissives to reflect on through tellmeabout.site. I do hope if you are reading this that you will consider taking time to think and possibly join in and share about your submission.
My journey so far as the submissive of Master James.
I would say that being in a LD D/s dynamic has its own challenges but add to that the fact that I was an inexperienced sub when I met Master James and you have a recipe for insecurities. I also knew that he already had a submissive wife of over 15 years at the time in which we met. So the first year (2020) was about meeting the Dom who would become my Master and establishing a great friendship. That is also the year we entered into a contact and the trust between us grew. The following year (2021) was about growing and understanding my submission in more detail. This is the year that he implemented more rules and raised expectations. Also known as a time where my desire to please my Master and keep him happy grew in intensity. I knew I would follow all rules set by Master James and be his good girl.
So, how would I like to grow throughout this year?
This year (2022) I would like to grow within my own confidence and self-worth, as a submissive. I create these false worries of, “Will he release me from our contract today?” any time I displease him or we have any form of a disagreement. I still find I feel inferior to Master’s submissive wife because where she has personal experience with Master James I only have text, audio and recently video calls. He has never said I was less or made me feel like I wasn’t enough for him but it is my own mind that defeats me and brings forth doubts of who I am as Vixen Lee to my Master.
I would say there are two areas I want to grow in. The first being, I want to let go of fearing that any imperfection or error will result in the termination of my contract. Master James has been wonderful about reassuring me of his commitment to our dynamic and I need to trust in his words and let go of those fears that plague me and keep me from immersing in the enjoyment of my submission every single day. I, like so many other submissives, feel a want or need to please my Dominant that I am hard on myself when I make an error or earn a punishment.
The other area I would like to improve is how I feel about video calls. For many years now, I have had issues in anything that involves seeing my image. I avoided mirrors, photos and video calls. I once believed I would never take a photo for Master James or have us speak through a video call. Odd considering we are in a LD dynamic. Master James never pressured me and assured me he didn’t need to see me to want me. He has taken time to slowly have me do practices to help me see myself differently. I have good days, not so good days and bad days but I don’t completely avoid all the things I did before. We have had video calls and I desperately try to avoid looking at myself and look solely upon my Master and listen to his voice. His voice is so soothing to me and reels me into my submission and want to do all that he asks of me. But, I want more. I want to learn to look at myself while I am doing the tasks he asks of me. I want to appreciate the submissive I am and who my Master sees. I want to learn to love her as my Master does. It will not come easily, but I will value every step I take that brings me closer to my goals.