Submissive Reflection #3 ~ Mindset

  HisLordship (HL) and Missy have a site called, tellmeabout.site. It is here that Missy has created a forum to reflect on our personal submission and D/s. It does matter if you are currently in a dynamic or single. This platform is a wonderful way to look into ourselves and see what we discover. There may be areas we like and others we don’t and decide we want to improve on or change. This is in no way a writing of how things should be done but a diary of my life and my submission.

  The third question set in Missy’s forum reflects mindset; What helps you to keep your submissive mindset? Now, please know that we will all see the same question and take a different approach to answering it. There are no right or wrong answers as it is your interpretation of the question and your response to it. I do hope that if you find yourself reading this that you will also consider writing about your own view on the subject. You can submit it and share it here or simply keep it for yourself.

  WHAT HELPS ME KEEP MY SUBMISSIVE MINDSET?

  What I find helps for me is direction and stability. These two factors are very important to me. I enjoy having many rules and having all aspects of my life controlled by Master James. I am not the type of submissive who fights against submission or needs to be forced to submit. I am more of a naturally born submissive so I can enjoy and live within my submissive mindset daily. Every day I know what is expected of me and I know that at any moment more may be required of me.

As for a deeper mindset, our pain play helps get me there and by adding a video call it makes it so much more intense for me. I am in a LD D/s dynamic, though it feels as if we are closer than we actually are. Master James always does his best to be present and to communicate with me throughout the day. We have known each other for 2 years now and I can say there have been less than 10 days where we did not communicate in one way or another. Communication is big for my mindset as I feel lost when I don’t have the guidance I seek.

I would say another way I stay within my submissive mindset is never assuming anything. I always make sure to bring all matters that involve my being to my Master. My mind, body and submission belong to him. So, if there is a medical issue, travel plans or changes I want to do to my body (like tattoos or piercings) I know to speak to my Master first.

I do have my morning message I send daily where I add, “I submit to you Master James” and he makes sure to message me good night daily where I will respond back with a brief message ending always with, “I am yours…xx”. Those are part of the little things I do to show that I give my submission and obedience to my Master. He might ask what my plans are for the day and then check later to see if I completed them along with my daily walk. I know that for Master James the big tasks and the small ones all matter so I am always submissive to a degree. Play and tasks will bring an added deeper mindset but I find many ways to stay within and maintain a state of submissive mindset…

The Call

“I want to use you, soon.” “Have your chrome dildo, vibrating dildo, new nipple clamps and a plug.” Those were the words sent to me by my Master James. I could feel my heart skip a beat then rapidly begin to pump. My reply was a simple one of, “How soon?” His reply was instant, “Ten minutes.” I knew he wanted to allow enough time to get the items requested and undress. He didn’t need me to dress for him, fix my hair or do my makeup. He wanted me as I was in that moment and he would have me just so.

It was these moments or even just the thought of these moments that once sent me over the edge. I would begin to tremble, cry and become filled with trepidation. I have a fear of anything that involves seeing my reflection. Mirrors, camera, camcorders, windows or anything else reflective. My Master has never exerted his authority in a manner which left me feeling insecurely vulnerable. He has always been reassuring in the use of my safeword and that he would respect me always. When I could not cam he never waivered in his want of me. He showed me in every way possible that it was me he wanted. It was my mind, my obedience, my heart and my submission that were his most prized possessions.

Things began to change for me when one day I decided to just remove my clothing and put on a robe. I stood in front of my laptop, turned on the camera and pressed record. I stood there and removed the robe then preceded to slowly turn around so he could see all of me. I ended the recording and emailed it to him before I could think too hard on it. The next morning after he had seen it, he messaged me and was so thankful for the trust I had given him and courage I had shown. From there we planned a video call date and now I have done this a few times. With each video call I can see myself not thinking of my image but of my Master’s pleasure. Camming is still not easy for me but what we share makes it plausible. When our call ends I will think, “How could you have done that?” My response to myself is, “Because my Master’s pleasure is my pleasure.”

Plaguing Thoughts…

Happiness is what I seek in life. I don’t need many things in life but I do want to feel happy and spread happiness. Why is that? I feel it is to combat the darkness that dwells within me. It helps me keep it at bay. What do I mean by being happy? I just want to go about days feeling light and to know that I will be okay. There are days where I feel trapped and like the darkness will consume me. Then there are days where I am angry that the darkness doesn’t consume me. Those are the days when I feel tired of fighting and begin to wonder if it is worth it to keep pushing. The truth is, it is. I have my family and my Master. They are the ones that keep me going. I think I should add myself to the list as I do fight for myself too. I have seen enough bad to understand the good.

Darkness likes to take me but I can say that I love seeking new ways of finding my light and pushing through each day. I understand that not all my days will be easy nor shine as bright as the sun but I am happy to know I was able to push through. We all have different reasons as to why we struggle and none of us has it easier than the other. I think we all do our best to cope with what plagues us and each day we awaken is another chance to conquer our demons.

Anyway this is just me letting out a few thoughts and if you find yourself reading this and you are dealing with your own struggles, know that you are not alone. We can fight our separate battles together.

Submissive Reflection #2 ~ Growth

How do you want your submission to grow over the course of this year?

This is the second installment that Missy has created for us submissives to reflect on through tellmeabout.site. I do hope if you are reading this that you will consider taking time to think and possibly join in and share about your submission.

My journey so far as the submissive of Master James.

I would say that being in a LD D/s dynamic has its own challenges but add to that the fact that I was an inexperienced sub when I met Master James and you have a recipe for insecurities. I also knew that he already had a submissive wife of over 15 years at the time in which we met. So the first year (2020) was about meeting the Dom who would become my Master and establishing a great friendship. That is also the year we entered into a contact and the trust between us grew. The following year (2021) was about growing and understanding my submission in more detail. This is the year that he implemented more rules and raised expectations. Also known as a time where my desire to please my Master and keep him happy grew in intensity. I knew I would follow all rules set by Master James and be his good girl.

So, how would I like to grow throughout this year?

This year (2022) I would like to grow within my own confidence and self-worth, as a submissive. I create these false worries of, “Will he release me from our contract today?” any time I displease him or we have any form of a disagreement. I still find I feel inferior to Master’s submissive wife because where she has personal experience with Master James I only have text, audio and recently video calls. He has never said I was less or made me feel like I wasn’t enough for him but it is my own mind that defeats me and brings forth doubts of who I am as Vixen Lee to my Master.

I would say there are two areas I want to grow in. The first being, I want to let go of fearing that any imperfection or error will result in the termination of my contract. Master James has been wonderful about reassuring me of his commitment to our dynamic and I need to trust in his words and let go of those fears that plague me and keep me from immersing in the enjoyment of my submission every single day. I, like so many other submissives, feel a want or need to please my Dominant that I am hard on myself when I make an error or earn a punishment.

The other area I would like to improve is how I feel about video calls. For many years now, I have had issues in anything that involves seeing my image. I avoided mirrors, photos and video calls. I once believed I would never take a photo for Master James or have us speak through a video call. Odd considering we are in a LD dynamic. Master James never pressured me and assured me he didn’t need to see me to want me. He has taken time to slowly have me do practices to help me see myself differently. I have good days, not so good days and bad days but I don’t completely avoid all the things I did before. We have had video calls and I desperately try to avoid looking at myself and look solely upon my Master and listen to his voice. His voice is so soothing to me and reels me into my submission and want to do all that he asks of me. But, I want more. I want to learn to look at myself while I am doing the tasks he asks of me. I want to appreciate the submissive I am and who my Master sees. I want to learn to love her as my Master does. It will not come easily, but I will value every step I take that brings me closer to my goals.

Submissive Reflection #1 ~ Submissive Feelings

So on tellmeabout.site, Missy has created a new forum to reflect on our submission and D/s dynamic. I think this is a great platform to look into ourselves and see what we find. There may be things we like and others we don’t and decide we want to improve on or change. This is in no way a writing of how things should be done but a diary of my life and my submission.

The first prompt is Submissive Feelings: When did you first realize you had submissive feelings and how far have you embraced those feelings?

I would say for me there are two distinct parts to these questions. The first part I would describe more as when I opened my eyes to things that made me think differently than I normally would, rather than when I realized I had submissive feelings and/or embraced them. It was a time in my life where I awoke and wanted out from where I kept my true nature hidden.

I was reading a book set in the late 1800s but with a bit of kink to it. There were ties and spankings given to a bride that would not follow instructions. There was a scene where figging was introduced and I had a strange yet strong desire to be in her position. To have a man dominate me and control me. To have him force me to be good or pay for my disobedience in which ever manner he deemed fit. Yet, I did not understand what I was saying or thinking. I didn’t understand anything because, while I thought those things, there was a piece of me that questioned it. Could I, and would I, really allow someone to control me and enjoy it?

I went on to read more and more books that were similar in nature but I would fight the idea that this was for me and just enjoy the read. When I read other books, I found I thought to buy another book that followed along the ones that made me think of a different kind of life. Was it possible to have it and was it real? This was when I started to Google topics and found thesafewordsclub.com.

I would say that the first time I realized I had submissive feeling was after meeting the man who would later become Master James to me. We spent hours talking about the lifestyle and about his dynamic with his wife. I started to take direction from him and wanted to learn more and more. I would be left wanting to be instructed and to be controlled. I came to see that I had submissive tendencies my entire life but didn’t know it. I always struggled to say no or felt horrible if I wasn’t able to do something for someone. I always wanted to do for those I cared for and make them happy. Though what I was missing is the praise and sense of pride one gets from their Dom or feels within their dynamic. Master James and other members from the site helped me to realize what submission was and to realize my submissive feelings.

Now, embracing my submissive feelings took so much longer. I accepted them willingly but struggled to fully embrace them. Let me explain this for you, as you may think that accept and embrace are one in the same. They may be for you but not so for me. I accepted them and took the steps to enter into the lifestyle and live it. Master James tried to help me with my husband but he was simply not into the lifestyle himself. This placed me in a position of knowing who I was and accepting it but feeling like I could never fully have it. Then, my husband and I agreed I should seek a Dominant to introduce me to the lifestyle. Master James and I had became great friends and we would talk and I would play for him by following his directions as to what he wanted me to do. Again accepting but not embracing as I was not his and he had a wife, who is his submissive. He was not seeking another submissive but merely helping me through my journey of self discovery.

After a couple of months, I had made a poor decision that ended up being an eye opener for Master James. I found another man to be my Dominant but it didn’t work as we weren’t compatible. It was during this time that Master James realized he had feelings for me and didn’t like the idea of me belonging to someone else. He asked me to look at a contract and if we could agree if I would accept it. I filled out my portion and he did his. We looked at it and agreed to start our LD D/s dynamic. It was through all the ways Master James showed patience, compassion, understanding and dominated me that I finally came to embrace my submissive side and found that I no longer wanted her to go back into hiding.

I still have much to learn but realizing my submissive side and embracing it was the first step to finally feeling alive and fulfilled. I am lighter and happier. I find I want to read more and discover more about D/s. I want to be a good girl for Master James and a good submissive to him. I want to serve him and please him in all matters.

Endless battle…

I, like many others, deal with depression, anxiety, insecurities and a plethora of other negative thoughts and emotions. However, I am not all negative. I love to see the value and beauty of all around me and in what the world has to offer. I seek to combat the darkness by seeking the light. We often right about our battles and how we feel when we are down but what about the ups. Sometimes when we are down we have a minor wall to jump over or a window we must find a way to open or break our way through. Then there are the taller walls we build that we strive to find our way around. Sometimes it is a dark room we must blindly feel our way out of. No matter how deep our sorrows are and how intense our obstacles are to free ourselves, we push through. Day in and day out this is our constant battle. Those are the moments we need to push to the forefront of our minds when we feel lost and can’t see our way out. We need to celebrate every one of our achievements not solely drown in our pool of emotional agony. We are good and we deserve to revel in our light. I can see yours, can you see mine?

Never stop…

I have never hidden the fact that I deal heavily with my past. I have heard all the encouraging words of, “Let it go or it will consume you; or, If you live in the past you can’t enjoy the present”. I do know and understand that they all mean well but to have dealt with this yourself is to know that it is sometimes uncontrollable. It is a defense mechanism alerting us that things don’t seem right and to be careful. I think the best thing you can do for anyone who suffers from trauma is listen, have patience, be open and honest, have compassion and allow them to work through it. We don’t always need to be saved and it is us that have to find our way back. I have four wonderful children that know when to step aside and let mommy breathe. I thank God for his gift of these beautiful beings. They are miraculous and priceless. Then if God had not blessed me enough with my kids, he gave me not one but two men who love me and inspire me to want to stay in the fight. I have my husband and I have my Master. I wish everyone could have the type of support I have but I know how lucky I am too. If you suffer as I do, know you are not alone. I am there with you and you can come out of it. Never stop fighting and make every day count….

Pathway to you…

What happens when the path you are on is not the one your loved one is on? Can love form a secret path keeping you connected? Maybe like Dorothy, we need a yellow brick road that leads us to them. Souls can bound themselves but what of the flesh? What happens when you need to feel what can’t be felt? What happens when you desire to surrender when there is no captor? All things are possible but it must have a connection. What I mean is if only one person is trying it will not work. But on the other side of that, is the beauty that comes when both people have a will and want of the other each creating a point of connection. This way there is always a path to connected with the other. In this life we all need these connections and seek them in many forms. Family, friends and lovers can all provide connections that help us to feel we are never alone. They are only a path a way. You have a sense of security in knowing you can find your yellow brick road that leads to the person on the other end. I do struggle to make connections. I fear leaving myself vulnerable and choose to not create so many but the ones I do have are my paths of light and gold. They shine bright and help me find my way through the darkness.

Meeting Master James…

One day I awoke to find I felt empty and unsure of who I was. It was as if a light turned off inside me and I felt very dark. I do believe there was a storm within me threating to blow out my light for years but I found ways to block it by building false walls. The whirlwind within me was the submissive me wanting out. Wanting to not remain hidden but I did not know this. I only knew I was not happy and things felt fake to me. I walked the earth doing what was expected of me but not feeling fulfilled. Then one day I read a book that struck a match within me trying to reignite my light. I felt moved and more alive. The book, though fiction, felt more real than my real life. I began to do some research and came upon a site. The SafeworD/s Club. It took me a couple of days to register as I was very hesitant. This is where my life changed and all for the better. I first met Missy one of the owners and then I get a welcome message. A Hi and a short description of the person who said Hi and the site. It was, who I know now as, Master James.

He asked me questions and then we parted ways thinking we might never chat again. But I asked a question that brought him back to me, as he responded to it. Again, we chatted for a bit and parted ways. A couple of days later he checked in with me and we just felt comfortable with one another. We shared so much about our lives and our families. It was as if we had been friends for years and not days. Master James helped me understand things I had not. Helped me to feel comfortable in asking questions and chatting more. I was very shy at the time and he would encourage me to join chats and message others to learn more. It was in messaging others that led me to a mistake that in turn led me to my happiness. I chose another Dom to become my Dominant. In doing so, Master James realized he felt something for me and wanted me for himself. Things with the other Dom never really got off and we were ill matched. When it ended, I accepted a contract with Master James. I, at the time, thought it would be a short term contract but it has now been over a year and I pray we can continue for a long time to come.

I think it is when we are not looking that we find the greatest of matches. It wasn’t forced but grew from an unexpected friendship. A darkness led to a book, which led to a site, which led to a friendship, which led to me finding my Master. I am grateful to The SafeworD/s Club and to all the members within it. We are a small but close-knit community. We promote respect and acceptance. Our chats are a safe place to ask questions and hear experiences from other members. We are not there to say what is the right way to be but to each share our way of being. This is where my story began and I was able to find my true self. It is a place where I feel most alive and I am so very thankful for it all…

Finding My Happy…

Happiness. Do I want someone to be my happiness? Do I want them to bring happiness to my life? Or do I want someone who can show me the value of my own happiness and how to seek it with or without them? I think the third is the most valuable of the three but I must say I found someone that has given me or shown me all three. Isn’t amazing when someone walks into your life that gives you everything willingly without you needing to beg to be seen. I wanted nothing more to do with relationships that involved emotions. I was seeking to have my needs met and nothing more. What was I thinking? I will say to those of you feeling lost and a sense of hopelessness as I did, don’t seek to be cherished and love. Let it happen when it happens. Let it find you. Let it inspire you and bring you to life. Don’t force yourself to love someone unworthy of you and never beg anyone to accept you.

To my Master James:

You are my inspiration, my hope, my will, my encouragement, my protector, my punisher, my friend, my lover, my light, my blessing, my owner and my love. My list could go on forever. What you are not is my destruction or destroyer. You have shown me the beauty the world has to offer. You have the ability to bring me out of my darkness and into the light of your embrace and love.